


to be so lonely

by void_kogane



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Fights, Insecure Lance (Voltron), M/M, Mentions of Violence, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Requited Unrequited Love, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:41:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28451079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/void_kogane/pseuds/void_kogane
Summary: Lance had always been unbearable to Keith. He was relentless, stubborn, frustrating. It drove Keith crazy, from when they were in the Garrison to them as partners in space. He’s had to deal with others teasing him, wanting to get a rise at him.But what he hadn’t dealt with before Lance was having someone tease him and he’d grow to love to tease back, to rile him up as Lance did to him. He found himself loving the back and forth arguments, enjoying the thrill of seeing the other react and fight back.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

  
  
  


_Aren’t you lonely?_

Shiro had asked him that yesterday when he had followed Keith to his room after he had another fight with Lance. It had been getting worse lately, the whole team on edge whenever the two were forced to be in the same room. Keith knows it’s partly his fault, he _knows_ he should stop selfishly putting his feelings before the team. He _knows.  
_

When Shiro had asked him that, he didn’t think too much of it when he responded. He had just shrugged it off, saying, “I guess so. I don’t really think too much about that anymore.” 

He didn’t lie, he doesn’t bother thinking that way after finally figuring out how to be okay with surviving alone. He’s been an orphan since he was seven years old, left in a tiny shack in the desert, having to raise himself while the look in his father’s eyes as he had said his shitty excuse of a goodbye haunted his everyday and reminded him that he wasn’t worth staying for. 

With that, he was the intimidating mystery of a person at school, from how people have always treated him. He tried to mind his business, keep his head down until he had to prove himself as smart and capable. However, others saw that as egotistical and cold, creating this image of him that he could never quite shake off. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Aren’t you lonely?_

Sure, a few months ago he would have admitted that, yes, he was lonely. Although he doesn’t seem the type, he grew up as a romantic, yearning for everything he saw in the movies and heard in songs, wanting to love and be loved. He wanted to know how it felt for someone to willingly want him in their life, and for them to stay by him.

Throughout the years though, he’s grown to know that that kind of love doesn’t really exist, at least not for him.

He’s grown resentful, angry and bitter to the concept of romance and the desire of someone wanting him. He’s had opportunities to, boys approaching him in secret, curious and willing to to admit their questioning sexuality to the boy who tends to mind his business.

Perhaps it would be nice if he could compromise, lower his standards and find that there can be plenty of people who could want him, or at least try to want him.

But their desires have always been different than his, different than the songs and the movies and the poetry he’s grown to love more than he could with any human.   
  


He realized this right before he met Lance. 

Every year at a new school, there would be someone who felt the need to call Keith out, whether that was by teasing him, or approaching him with curiosity from the rumours they had heard about him. Both situations aggravated him and caused him to make enemies immediately, much to his own frustration with himself. 

That year, it was Lance who had been that someone. He had decided to try to get under Keith’s skin, saying how it seemed that Keith was already trying too hard to show off in class.

Keith, the type to not start shit for no reason, decided to ignore him, the only form of response a quick rise of his eyebrows. Lance, being the type to _need_ a reaction out of someone, prodded him on. He was offended, due to him believing Keith ignoring him was due to arrogance.

It was then when Keith had proven to be just as the rumours about him described, and Lance had created an image of him that he still struggles to see differently. 

Lance had always been unbearable to Keith. He was relentless, stubborn, frustrating. It drove Keith crazy, from when they were in the Garrison to them as partners in space. He’s had to deal with others teasing him, wanting to get a rise at him.

But what he hadn’t dealt with before Lance was having someone tease him and he’d grow to love to tease back, to rile him up as Lance did to him. He found himself loving the back and forth arguments, enjoying the thrill of seeing the other react and fight back. 

  
  
  


_Aren’t you lonely?_

Keith had thought that to himself a few days ago, when a fight between him and Lance turned to be as ugly as ever, them saying things that were definitely too far.

Shiro had to physically put himself between them, shoving both of them to their own rooms and telling them to cool off. Keith’s blood had been boiling, but what had him more angry was _himself._ Why did he always fight back? 

It was always a push and pull between them, and it was exhausting. When Keith felt like they were getting nicer and more understanding to the other, it grew back to terrible quickly and harsher than before. 

For a few days they had been hanging out alone together more, sharing a laugh from time to time and catching the other smiling towards them. It made his chest hurt, he felt nervous and vulnerable, and made his nerves overwhelm him when they were together. He was starting to think he liked it, though, preferred it how they usually were.

He thought Lance might’ve felt the same with that. 

But instead, he had finally snapped again at Keith, yelling at him all of a sudden when _nothing_ had happened. Seeing the unexpected switch happen again made Keith hurt and confused, which resulted in him acting out right back. 

Lance had then told Keith that no _wonder_ Keith always had such pent up anger, being alone for all of his life meant he had no way to blow off some steam. And, fuck him for that, Keith decided. 

He had punched him, making Lance’s nose bleed as he yelled at him right back, saying that, yeah, Lance was right. He had pent up anger, and luckily Lance could serve as an easy punching bag, the pushover he was. That’s when Shiro intervened. 

_Fuck Lance._ Why was Keith’s loneliness weaponized against him, when he didn’t ask to be abandoned? It wasn't his fault his parents left, why other’s misunderstood him, and why he never gave anyone the benefit of the doubt. He didn’t want to get expectations for someone again, when it has consistently proven to fail him. He was just being realistic. Right?

  
And yes, being alone translated to being lonely. Wasn’t he lonely? Of course, _of fucking course,_ how couldn’t he be.

But, he had tried for just once, to see the changes in people. From someone other than Shiro, who had always been persistently and effortlessly kind to Keith, not forcing him to open up, but also not letting him isolate himself. This was different than that, Keith having been the one openly willing to let Lance in, at least a little. He had to learn how to be comfortable around Lance by himself, had to reassure himself that it was safe to do so. It hurt to know he was wrong. 

That hurt led both of them to become unbearable, frustratingly angry at each other in a way which affected the team. Both of them knew how selfish it was, how unfair to Voltron it must be for them to focus all of their energy on each other. But both refused to stop. 

  
  
  
  


_Aren’t you lonely?_

When Shiro had asked him that yesterday, he refused to admit that to him. As much as he tries to refuse that to himself, though, he knows he’d be full of shit if he said he wasn’t. 

But, his team had no business voicing that out loud, that was not theirs to dissect. _He_ isn’t theirs to dissect. 

He could understand Shiro’s frustration with him, and the insistence for him to grow up and leave all that shit alone. He was more okay with Shiro intentionally challenging him, demanding better of Keith because he knew he was capable of. Lance, however, was the last person deserving enough to analyze and critique Keith.

The worst thing about that is that they were fucking _getting there,_ Keith becoming more trusting and open to Lance. Lance had seemed willing to accept that too, he started to listen to Keith, _really,_ listen to the things he had said and remembered and was cautious of them. 

Once, Keith had told him how he felt exposed and overpowered in battle when their opponents used guns more, his usual sword or knife techniques seeming to be unsupportive when he was fighting long-distance. After that conversation, he found Lance having his back more in battle, clearing out long-distanced opponents so Keith could focus on the one’s closer to him.

When he had asked Lance about if it was intentional, Lance had just smiled at him, a small blush tinting his cheeks as if he was embarrassed of being caught. He made a joke about how flattered he was that Keith noticed his _incredible_ sharpshooting skills, opting to close that conversation before it started.

  
  
  
  


It wasn’t fair for Lance to bring up his seemingly obvious loneliness. That wasn’t his business to even try to understand.

It wasn’t fair for him to make Keith feel safer and calmer when they got along, it wasn't fair to make Keith laugh, to blush, to want more. Keith wanted more of the desire and intimacy that was beginning to feel possible with Lance. He felt like, maybe, Lance had brung out the most intense of his emotions, had coaxed the good, the bad and the obvious pull they had to each other. 

  
And yeah. He was. He _was_ lonely. And what hurt the most about hearing that accusation come from Lance, was that he had hoped Lance had been willing to change that.


	2. Chapter 2

_Why do you ruin things with him, right when it’s going smoothly?_

  
  
Lance was destined to be alone. He’s too sensitive, too dramatic, too selfish. He’s had that figured out for a while, and the fight he caused solidified that fact. After the fight broke out, he had been sent to his room and Hunk followed, with a rag and some ice for his bleeding nose. 

It was then when Hunk had asked him, “Why do you ruin things with him, right when it’s going smoothly?”

  
Lance was able to admit that- okay, this was his fault; his doing. However, that realization was kept stored in his thoughts; those guilt-ridden thoughts he’s always been careful not to share. He refused to admit it out loud, much to Hunk’s increasing frustration with him at that moment. He needed to protect himself, true vulnerability much more terrifying than currently disappointing his friend.

He knew Hunk was right, he ruined something that was going good- going amazing actually. He could tell Keith was getting more comfortable around him, more trusting, happier. They were in the middle of changing their relationship from forced teammates, to friends. Lance was starting to hope that it could, one day, change to more. But, Lance knew that couldn’t last forever. They were bound to hate each other again. He just sped up the process.

He noticed the changes in Keith as he was opening up more, the usual tension in his shoulders that he carried when they spoke eased with each conversation. That tight-lipped frown slowly became shy smiles, and the averting eye contact turned more and more into a comfortable mutual gaze every time they hung out. 

He saw the softness in Keith’s eyes whenever Lance listened to him, and showed him he remembered- like that time Lance knew to cover Keith during battle from long-distanced opponents, so Keith could focus on fighting the one’s closing in on him.

Keith had asked him when they got back to the ship if his remembering was intentional, and Lance froze. The look in Keith’s eyes scared him, made him freak out and respond with his usual humour to deflect. 

The trust and admiration Keith was giving him were too much. Too much responsibility, affection, and vulnerability. Lance didn’t deserve anyone of that, especially when it was in regards to Keith. He shouldn’t be getting Keith’s hopes up, having him think Lance should be able to play a part in his happiness, have him as someone to have faith in.

Lance isn’t meant for that, he’s meant to be the clown of the group, the one making jokes and causing surface level conflict. 

Their relationship was better off as stirring each other up, creating a reaction in the other and enjoying the back and forth bickering. He shouldn’t be given the delicacy that is Keith in his entirety, doesn’t deserve the responsibility and privilege of Keith’s trust and vulnerability. He’s bound to fuck up, to hurt Keith with his inadequacy. 

Even though it was going smoothly, he _had_ to ruin it, before Keith got attached, or started to expect things from him. In the long run, that was better. Safer. 

But there was something about those fucking soft eyes, the innocent smiles and delicate laughs that made Lance want to never have it end. Being close to Keith, knowing he’d be able to see him happy during the day and to fall asleep with dreams filled with him was almost too sweet to let go of.

But, Lance is too sensitive, too dramatic and too selfish of a person, and there was finally a breaking point where he snapped at Keith, causing a fight to begin and their friendship to end. 

Anger was a secondary emotion. He knew that, he’s been told that before when his emotions clouded his judgement and caused his impulsive anger to ruin things. He knew he was actually terrified and insecure, which makes him ruin things before they become too serious.

He was aware of that, sure, but he also knew it was necessary to make Keith hate him again. He could handle hate- he’s used to rejection and being seen as annoying and insufferable. What he can’t handle is love, he knows he’s too fucked up to deserve it. It’s not made for him, and he’s made peace with that. 

Lance knew he was meant to be alone. As much as he loved being the centre of attention, to receive validation and have people react to his actions, he’ll never allow himself to be fully vulnerable with someone.

And, yeah, it was lonely as fuck, it was unbearable at times. Especially this time, seeing the potential of what could have evolved with his and Keith’s growing friendship. 

The reality of what he was throwing away made him angry with himself, sad and lost, and every emotion of his poured out when he started to yell at Keith, projecting his fear of loneliness onto him. Keith shouldn't be alone for the rest of his life, he deserves more of that, and definitely more than what Lance could ever give him. 

Lance deserved that punch. As much as it fucking _hurt,_ he felt relief when he saw the anger in Keith’s eyes and felt the hard impact of his fist on his nose. Keith’s response to his insult proved exactly what people have always thought about Lance. He was seen as a pushover, as some kind of personal punching bag as if he wasn’t strong enough, capable to be worth more. That’s fine. That’s _fine_ that Keith thinks that- it just solidifies that Lance was right about ruining things, right when they were going smoothly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year !! also. this fic is so depressing rn im sorry hgfjkgjhdk. self-indulgent. slow burn. sorry <3 . also this chapter is so short so sorry again, but i'd rather short chapters that i post frequently rather than me taking forever


	3. Chapter 3

They still haven't resolved it. The tension in the team was unbearable, which caused everyone to be frustrated and angry with the two responsible. Shiro had tried many times to stage an intervention with them, but their stubbornness and hurt outweighed the desire to get their shit together and make up.   
  


They finally had a wake-up call, though. They were exhausted, after a failed mission that resulted in the whole team covered in deep cuts and bruises, Hunk having to be put into the healing pod due to a few broken ribs. 

Pidge had been the one to snap at Keith and Lance, bursting into tears and asking both of them, “What more can happen for you guys to care about us?! I don’t give a fuck about your feelings being hurt, grow up and realize the severity of your immature actions on the rest of us. You’ve ruined the entire team dynamic and put our lives at risk for what? We’re lucky Hunk only has a few broken ribs. Fix your issues before something worse can happen.” 

The guilt rose in Lance’s chest when he saw Pidge fall apart because of him and he knew then that everyone was right. What he’s done to the team is unforgivable and he can’t stand himself anymore, can’t stand being the one who’s caused all of this and has made it worse by refusing to apologize and not try to mend his friendship with Keith.

Now, he has to repair his friendships with everyone, having broken the trust of every team member. He has to put his own insecurities and many other personal issues aside, as the selfishness of wallowing has proven to hurt everyone around him.

He deserved to be the only one hurting, as he was the only one to blame in every situation. 

This is why he shouldn’t be allowed close friendships, this is what happens when people trust him. He always manages to fuck up, doesn’t he? 

  
  


After the outburst, Pidge had stormed off to their room, Shiro following them to give them the support they needed. Every beat of Lance’s heart thudded painfully, the mix of fear and shame overtaking his body.

Keith stood in front of him, a large gap between them. The expression on his face was unreadable, and he refused to even glance in Lance’s direction. Lance knew it was time to grovel. 

“Keith-”

“Save it. I’m not fighting with you anymore. It can’t go on like this. Just... let’s just talk to each other when we have to. Can you do that?” Keith’s tone was meant to sound impassive and steady, but Lance could hear a hint of nerves as he spoke.

He noticed the slight tremble in Keith’s hands, and the sigh he let out as he took a step even farther away from Lance. Keith finally met his eyes, waiting for an answer. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”

Lance wanted so badly to say more, to reach out and pull Keith into a hug and explain everything, to tell Keith that he deserves so much better than how Lance has treated him, how much Lance loved him and just how overwhelming that was.

But something about Keith’s wavering eyes and the pain that showed in them made Lance hold back, realizing just how irreparable the damage is between them. 

Now, he understands just how wrong he was before. Sure, maybe he didn’t deserve Keith. But _god,_ he was so fucking lost without him. Seeing all the hurt he’s caused him has taught him that he actually wants to be entrusted with the privilege of Keith’s friendship and everything that comes with that.

He wants to show Keith that he deserves to be happy, deserves to be able to trust and not be let down. Keith deserves love. And Lance wants to be able to give that to him. 

After he got an answer from Lance, Keith had left to his room. Lance stood there, in the middle of the castle, alone. He knew it was his fault. But he hated feeling so fucking lonely. 

  
  
  


Lance had decided to stay with Hunk at the pods, waiting for him to heal and be able to apologize to him first.

He knew Hunk could see the regret in Lance’s eyes and heard how genuine his apology was along with the promise to make things right with the rest of the team. He could also probably hear the shakiness in Lance’s voice because as soon as Lance had finished his apology, he had immediately pulled Lance in a hug.

Lance couldn’t stop the tears from falling down his face, sobs escaping and soon being followed with embarrassing hiccups. Hunk held him until both of them stopped crying, as Hunk, being the empath he is, began crying when Lance had. 

As much as Lance often felt lonely, he knew that as long as he and Hunk existed in the same universe, he would never truly be alone. 

Since Hunk had gotten out of the pod after the rest of the team had dinner, he offered to make himself and Lance something to eat. Lance was about to decline, knowing he needed to apologize to Pidge and Shiro as soon as he could. However, his hunger outweighed that, and he decided to follow Hunk into the kitchen.

He didn’t know whether it was a relief or not to find Pidge already there, sitting on the counter and eating a bowl of space goo. They lifted their head when they heard both of them walking in and immediately jumped up to hug Hunk. Lance felt so out of place, a lump forming in his throat causing him to swallow awkwardly. 

“Hey, Pidge...Could we talk? I need to apologize to you.” He forced himself to hold eye contact with them and noticed the frown form on Pidge’s face. He couldn’t tell whether that was out of anger or sadness. Maybe both.

They nodded, gesturing for Lance to continue, and Hunk took that as his cue to find two bowls for him and Lance to serve their dinner. 

“Everything you said- you were right. I do care about you though, I care for all of you but I was being such an insensitive dick and that made the team get in such scary, dangerous situations and I’m so, so sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel so shitty and terrified and it was completely fair of you to yell at us like that. I’ll be better. I promise.”

He said that all without taking a breath, trying to keep his voice steady. He saw Pidge’s eyes soften, but it seemed as though they caught themselves before giving him a smile. 

“Did you fix things with Keith?” 

That caused his composure to falter, and they noticed that. Pidge frowned, clicking their tongue in disappointment. 

“We briefly talked. He said he doesn’t want to fight anymore, and I agree. But he said that he thought it would be best if we only talked when we had to and...I don’t know. I don’t want that. It doesn’t really fix anything, and I know stuff needs to be fixed.”

Hunk came over then, placing a bowl of goo in front of him. He ate his food at a distance though, not wanting to get himself involved in a conversation he wasn’t a part of. Lance gave him a smile as a thank you, then returned his gaze to Pidge. 

“Try to talk to him tonight. I can tell Keith wants to fix things, too. He looks so miserable lately rather than angry... I know you guys can make up. When you’re not fighting and actually trust the other, you guys are actually really good for each other. You know that, right?”

Lance gave a stiff nod at that, grateful they were softening up to him again. He’s been taking his friends for granted lately, and he knows he needs to change that. He loves them with everything in him, and he needs to show that better. 

“Thank you, Pidge. I love you, and Hunk too. I love you both. Thank you for sticking with me even through me being an asshole.” He tried to chuckle at that, but it came out shaky and pained, his emotions getting the best of him. Pidge reached up and hugged him.

“I love you too, idiot. Thank you for the apology, I know you’re going through...something and I’m glad you’re finally coming to your senses and acting like you again. I’ve missed you.” 

Lance started tearing up at that, and soon he and Pidge were met with two strong arms against them as Hunk wrapped them both in a group hug. 

  
After dinner and catching up with his friends, he knew he had two things left to do. 1. Figure things out with Keith. And, 2. Both him and Keith need to apologize to Shiro for all the shit they’ve caused. 

He figured that tonight, he’ll focus on talking to Keith, as _that_ won’t be an easy or short conversation. There’s so much to unpack between them, and he’s terrified to open all the emotional wounds they’ve given each other and tend to them in order to heal their friendship.

Lance was so fucking exhausted, his emotions have been overwhelming and being vulnerable and fixing things isn’t easy for him. But, he knows this is necessary. He just hopes Keith feels the same and hears him out. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry this took so long :// it's so hard for me to be motivated but i rlly want to actually finish a fic serious for once

**Author's Note:**

> very self indulgent, if u couldnt tell. also hello !! hope you're well. why am i still writing shit for voltron?? good question <3 klance is my comfort ship. anyways bully me to do more parts of this if u catch me slacking bc i rlly want to write more.
> 
> also !! [here’s my tumblr!!](https://voidreid.tumblr.com/)


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